OK then, let's have a good snigger. Let's all look at the list of
these so-called degrees, and sneer at the pathetic delusions of the
students who are taking them. In the saloon bars of England, it is by
now a settled conviction that the university system is riddled with a
kind of intellectual dry rot, and it is called the Mickey Mouse degree.
Up and down the country - so we are told - there are hundreds of
thousands of dur-brained kids sitting for three years in an alcoholic
or cannabis-fuelled stupor while theoretically attending a former
technical college that is so pretentious as to call itself a
university.
After three years of taxpayer-funded debauch, these young people
will graduate, and then the poor saps will enter the workplace with an
academic qualification that is about as valuable as membership of the
Desperate Dan Pie Eaters' Club, and about as intellectually
distinguished as a third-place rosette in a terrier show. It is called
a Degree, and in the view of saloon bar man, it is a con, a scam, and a
disgrace.
Kids these days! says our man with the pint of Stella, slapping The
Daily Telegraph on the bar. Look at the rubbish they study! 'Ere, he
says, finding an account of the recent investigation by the Taxpayers' Alliance, which has compiled a list of the 401 "non-courses'' being offered by our universities.
In a satirically portentous tone he reads out the brochure of Marjon
College in Plymouth, which really is offering a three-year BA (Hons)
degree in Outdoor Adventure With Philosophy.
Yes, he says with incredulous sarcasm, the dons at Marjon College
give instruction in the ancient discipline of Outdoor Adventure by
examining its "underpinning philosophy, historical antecedents,
significant influences, environmental and sustainable aspects and
current trends''; and just in case you thought that wasn't quite
rigorous enough, they guarantee that "the modules will include elements
such as journeys, environmental management, creative indoor study and
spirituality''.
Absurd! cries saloon bar man, and then jabs his finger at yet
greater absurdities: a course at the University of Glamorgan in
"Science: Fiction and Culture''; and get this - the Welsh College of
Horticulture is offering anyone with four Cs at GCSE the chance to
study for an Honours degree in "Equestrian Psychology''! It's a degree
in horse whispering! he says. It's bonkers.
Why, he asks rhetorically, are we paying for students to waste their
time on these Mickey Mouse courses, when it is perfectly obvious what
they should be doing. Trades! Skills! Craft! This country doesn't need
more bleeding degrees in media studies and whispering into horses'
ears! What we need is people who can fix my septic tank! We need more
plumbers,'' he raves, and it's not just because he resents paying so
much for his Polish plumber; it's because the whole university business
is - in his view - such a cruel deception on so many young people. They
rack up an average of pounds 13,000 of debt for some noddy
qualification, when they would have been far better off getting stuck
into a job after leaving school and engaging in an old-fashioned
apprenticeship.
That's what he thinks; and that, I bet, is not a million miles from the view of many eminent readers.
And yet I have to say that this view of higher education - pandemic
in Middle Britain - is hypocritical, patronising and wrong. I say boo
to the Taxpayers' Alliance, and up with Mickey Mouse courses, and here's why.
The saloon bar view is hypocritical, in the sense that it is always
worth interrogating the saloon bar critics about their aspirations for
their own children or grandchildren. Would they like them to have
degrees? Or would they like them to have some kind of explicitly
vocational training?
It is notable how often a critic of university expansion is still
keen for his or her own children to go there, while a vocational
qualification is viewed as an excellent option for someone else's
children.
It is patronising, in that you really can't tell, just by reading a
course title, whether it is any good or not, and whether it will be of
any intellectual or financial benefit to the student.
The other day my normally humane and reasonable colleague Andrew
O'Hagan paraded the idea of a degree in "Artificial Intelligence'', as
though it were intrinsically risible, and for 20 years we have all been
scoffing at degrees in "media studies''.
But AI is one of the most potentially interesting growth areas in
computer science; and the truth about Media Studies is that its
graduates have very high rates of employment and remuneration.
Of course there are mistakes, and of course there are a great many students who drop out,
get depressed, or feel they
have done the wrong thing with their lives.
But the final judge of the value of a degree is the market, and in
spite of all the expansion it is still the case that university
graduates have a big salary premium over non-graduates. The market is
working more efficiently now that students have a direct financial
stake in the matter, a financial risk, and an incentive not to waste
their time on a course that no employer will value.
It is ridiculous for these saloon-bar critics to denounce "Mickey
Mouse'' degrees, and say that the students would be better off doing
vocational courses - when the whole point is that these degrees are
very largely vocational.
We can laugh at degrees in Aromatherapy and Equine Science, but they
are just as vocational as degrees in Law or Medicine, except that they
are tailored to the enormous expansion of the service economy.
It is rubbish to claim that these odd-sounding courses are somehow
devaluing the Great British Degree. Everyone knows that a First Class
degree in Physics from Cambridge is not the same as a First in Equine
Management from the University of Lincoln, and the real scandal is that
they both cost the student the same.
There again, who is to say where a Mickey Mouse course may lead?
The last time I looked, Disney had revenues of 33 billion dollars a year - and if any university offered a course in
the Life and Works of Mickey Mouse, I wouldn't blame them in the least.
Boris Johnson is MP for Henley